Working mothers

Being working mothers of toddlers is a fulfilling and challenging experience that no one really prepares us to face. Everything is on the move: every day the child grows up a little bit more, discovers new things, new behaviours and its personality is being shaped. This usually makes us want to spend as much time as we can watching them growing up, playing with them, discovering the world with them and enjoying everyday moments.

But after our maternity leave, work calls us back to real life and this can become tricky. Often young families live far from their relatives and taking up a part-time position is not always possible. Very often the only solutions are kindergartens or qualified nannies, and for new mums it can be quite hard to leave their toddlers with strangers for a whole day. As a matter of fact, this may set off a feeling of intense guilt, possibly making the moment of separation very distressful for both the mum and as a consequence the child. In fact, if our child realises the mother’s distress during the moment of separation, he may think that there is something wrong and probably something to be worried about.

What is guilt?

Guilt is a complex social emotion, that implies different cognitive evaluations. To experience guilt indeed it is necessary that at least two people are represented in one’s own mind. In particular, the person who feels guilty believes he may have potentially damaged or harmed another person (voluntarily or not) or have transgressed a moral or a social principle. As a consequence of guilt, the “guilty” person usually tries to restore a sort of balance with the “harmed” one, helping out the person or finding a way to expiate this unpleasant emotion.

Why would mums feel guilty?

As written above, very often it occurs that new mums experience maternity far away from their country of origin and without the support of the original and the extended family. In addition, the most common scenario is mums that work full-time, while simultaneously take care of housework, their partner and their baby. In summary, multitasking is not a choice but a duty! We have to cover so many roles in our daily life and we try to do it in a good way: we want to work well for ourselves/our boss/colleagues or clients, we want to be good partners and for sure we want to be the best mothers for our children. But while in the best case scenario we may be confident about our work and our relationship with our partner, being a new mum is for many a totally new experience that may lead to many doubts and thoughts.

Usually the most common thoughts of new mothers are: am I doing the right thing? Am I interpreting the signals that my baby is sending me in the right way? Is he/she OK in the kindergarten? Is it normal if he/she cries at separation? Am I a bad mother if I leave him/her there all day long? Will there be consequences if I don’t spend enough time with my baby?

The direct consequence of those questions is obviously a strong sense of guilt. You may feel guilty at work because you left your kid at the kindergarten or you may even feel guilty towards your job if you spend a day at home with child because maybe he/she is sick…

Anyway, experiencing a bit of guilt is normal as we have so many roles and responsibilities, we try to do our best to multitask and doing everything in a perfect way is really difficult. Making mistakes is normal as well! When motherhood is a brand new experience, the only way to go forward is to put ourselves on the line and just try, make mistakes and learn from them.

But if you have the feeling that guilt is becoming overwhelming, it is generating too much anxiety, it is difficult to handle or it is affecting in a bad way the relationship with your child, then take a step back and try to think about what is happening.

Many times beyond a sense of intense guilt there is a strong sense of responsibility, an excessive perfectionism or fear of committing mistakes. Furthermore, often our own personal experiences as children may play a role as well, triggering old emotions and relational memories that may influence our attitude towards our child. And this influence may not be always positive.

If this happens, considering seeking the help of a psychotherapist may be a good choice, as it could help you deal with this sense of guilt and the aforementioned dynamics, as well better handling that special and unique relationship with your child.

Criticism and relationships

Being criticised is a very common experience that can occur in every relationship, at work, at home or with friends.

In particular, criticising and reproaching a bad conduct may be a natural way of expressing our disapproval for a certain behaviour and our feelings related to it. It is indeed normal to be ourselves sometimes – the ones criticising or being criticised by other people. In the end no one is perfect!
But there are different ways of reproaching.

Positive and negative reproaches

A constructive and positive way of reproaching a person is when this relates to a specific behaviour and is supported by reasonable explanations. Moreover, this type of reproach may imply suggestions on how to change and repair the “wrong” behaviour, thus putting ourselves in the shoes of the other person.

On the contrary, sometimes it may occur that the reproach is expressed in a very negative and judgmental way, without expressing what the wrong behaviour is or how it could be fixed. Furthermore, in some instances the reproaching person may shift his or her judgement to the person as a whole instead of criticising the single bad behaviour, which is often followed by a negative emotional response in the criticised person.

Let’s focus on negative criticism. Negative criticism can be defined as a constant, pervasive and repetitive tendency to reproach another person. In particular, criticism in parenting may become a style of relating to children and adolescents (Apparigliato, 2011). As anticipated, the criticising person may show his or her disappointment for a particular behaviour (or the omission of a behaviour) in order to change it, but he/she may not consider the son’s preferences and believes to know what is good and what is not for their son.

Consequences of criticism

Research suggests that high levels of perceived criticism have been linked to higher relapses in depressed and schizophrenic patients, and drop-outs in patients with eating disorders. Plus, parental criticism may develop excessive perfectionism in children, who may try harder than usual to satisfy such high demanding and difficult parents. And perfectionism is a well known anxiety-related feature.

Given what literature suggests, it can be really distressful to live with such a critical parent or partner, with sometimes negative psychological and self-esteem consequences. In particular, growing up in this type of environment, with a parent (or both) always prone to criticise and demanding to reach their own high personal standards may lead a person to doubt one’s own abilities, talents and strengths, causing suffering and distress.

If you recognise yourself in these dynamics, you may consider discussing this delicate personal issue with a psychotherapist that can help you elaborate these feelings and handle criticism in different way.

What to do

Meanwhile, here there are some little tips that you could try to use:

• Try to take into account only the good in every reproach. If you have been negatively criticised, try to think if there can be a positive information for you in it. Sometimes a reproach, even if expressed in the wrong away, is made for a reason. So try to trash the negativity, shame, guilt or anger that you may feel and ask yourself: is there a real reason for being criticised? Was there a better or useful way to behave? Could I fix or change something of that behaviour? The answer may be no, but sometimes it may be yes.
• Do not accept generalisations: if the blame gets born from a single behaviour but it becomes generalised to your whole person… use boundaries! You are who you are and a single specific wrong behaviour doesn’t imply a total and negative judgment of you as a human being. Try not to take it too personally.
• Very often the problem is not yours but theirs – people who constantly and negatively criticise usually have something going on in their mind. It may occur that when going through rough times, someone may try to vent their problems in this way. In other cases instead, someone could have experienced a very reproaching relationship themselves and negative criticism may be the only learnt and well known way of expressing care in a relationship.
• Be assertive – communicate the person when the boundary from positive to negative criticism is crossed and how that makes you feel. And if you have to make a reproach … remember the aforementioned features of constructive reproaches and try not to fall into the trick of negative criticism.

Pregnancy can be a stress trigger in women, as it is a moment of several physiological, psychological and social changes. Due to the intensity of these changes, it’s normal for women to experiment stress in little doses.

What are the symptoms of stress in pregnancy?

Stress implies an intense physiological activation while trying to adapt to significant environmental events (stressors).

Hans Selye, theorising the General Adaptation Syndrome, recognises three different stages of response to a stressor:

1. Alarm: we react to stressors through an activation of our sympathetic system, increasing the heart beat, blood pressure, breathing activity, endocrine secretions, perspiration, bodily temperature and muscle tension.
2. Resistance: our body is coping to face the stressor and the alarm symptoms disappear.
3. Exhaustion: if stressors persist there can be a burn-out of our defences, with symptoms like fatigue, sleep disorders and decrease of immune system. Stress is not pathological per se, as in small doses it helps us to better concentrate and to have a better performance.

Can stress during pregnancy have effects on the baby born?

Some researches highlighted that an intense and prolonged stress could negatively affect pregnancy, possibly leading to a higher risk of pre-term birth and a lower weight of the baby. Specifically, stress could be not directly responsible for those consequences: it could lead indeed the mother to adopt unhealthy behaviours to better cope with it, such as the use of tobacco, alcohol, …

An intense and prolonged stress could possibly have an impact on the foetus motor skills, with a decreased number of movement assessed with ultrasounds. Moreover, other researches found a higher presence of childhood infective diseases, and consequently a higher use of antibiotics, in babies of mothers stressed during pregnancy.

Some scientists observed that baby girls exposed to high levels of cortisol during the first weeks of gestation had a bigger amygdala’s volume. Amygdala is a part of the brain responsible for emotions processing. This could suggest the chance of a higher risk of developing lifespan affective disorders, such as anxiety, depression, or others. The foetus exposure to high levels of cortisol during gestation could then represent a risk factor for later psychological problems.

Last but not least, intense stress/anxiety in new mothers could interfere in bonding and creating a safe attachment with their babies, making it more difficult to respond to the babies’ emotional needs.

Which tools can be used to reduce stress in pregnancy?

After considering the possible consequences of stress, it is very important to recognise when stress becomes too intense and to try to cope with it at our best.

There are several effective tools than can be used to better cope with stress and anxiety, such as relaxation techniques (progressive muscle relaxation, biofeedback or slow breathing technique), meditation (yoga, mindfulness) and psychotherapy. Furthermore, do not underestimate the importance of a constant physical exercise, healthy eating and regular sleep-wake cycles.

Is there a link between stress in pregnancy and the baby’s gender?

A research carried out at Oxford University suggests that the mothers’ work and problems “choose”  the baby born gender.

They found indeed that women stressed during pregnancy are more likely to conceive baby girls. In their sample indeed, women with high levels of cortisol had 75% of chance of not conceiving a baby boy.

These interesting results have to be considered as preliminary, as the high levels of cortisol could suggest not only the presence of stress but also the possible presence of other aspects or life-styles that could affect the baby’s gender.

To read the original article, click here.